Gomen ne
by TurquisePL
Summary: This is my first attempt to both angst and sonfick. This time Matsumoto is the one saying those meaningful words...


_Big kisses for Ruler of Destiny, who somehow managed to beta-read and correct this songfic, as English isn't my first language. Thanks!_

_So, to begin with, before reading it you just HAVE TO listen to "Now and Then" by Blackmore's Night (you can find it on Youtube). Without it, this fanfic will lose everything good that it may have :)  
_

_So now, please enjoy reading!_

* * *

_The past is so familiar __  
__But that's why you couldn't stay _

You were always leaving, without saying anything. You couldn't have stopped our misery. We had been starving and had been living in a collapsing cabin somewhere at the edge of the world. That's why you left, this time even not at the edge of our world, but beyond it, right? Because whether you were in a poor district of Rukongai or in your captain quarters, it always reminded you about the humiliation, right? But... Why didn't you take me with you? Even then I heard only "Gomen na, Rangiku"...

_Too many ghosts, too many haunted dreams __  
__Beside you were built to find your own way... _

You always were different. People hated you. Your grin in all situations. You never threw away your mask, except for me. It defended you from those memories, which you often didn't share, even with me. You were perfectly fine just by yourself. You didn't need anyone to share your thoughts with. Is that why I heard only "Gomen na, Rangiku"?...

_But after all these years, I thought we'd still hold on __  
__But when I reach for you and search your eyes __  
__I see you've already gone... _

Not many people saw the color of your eyes. Even less of them survived. But only a few have ever wondered why you never open your eyes, right? I know it. You never could force them to play in your farce. Inconsiderable of your endless smile. Inconsiderable of all those jokes you were making to everyone around. Your eyes were always distant, thoughtful, the color exactly the same as sky. Thanks to them I knew in what mood you really were. Even when you wanted to hide it from me, they betrayed you. But now, now when I'm looking into them, I don't recognize them. Is that because you finally learned to control them or do you really not feel anything? Shall I lose all hope that you'll ever return to me, how you always have been doing? Why don't you ever want to tell me anything more than just "Gomen na, Rangiku"?...

_That's OK __  
__I'll be fine __  
__I've got myself, I'll heal in time __  
__But when you leave just remember what we had... _

But I will survive, Gin. I didn't become a traitor. I am not the aim of katan, of the most powerful shinigami. You know as well as I do, that you'll die here. Please, tell me something, tell me something that connects us. Remember? We've been together through so much. Please, let your last words not be "Gomen na, Rangiku"!

_There's more to life than just you __  
__I may cry but I'll make it through _

I won't die, Gin. Do you know why life is so important? Because it gives time to recover from all injuries. There was a time when you were everything to me. I didn't see the world beyond you. I was dependent on you. But it has passed. And now you'll disappear, but the changes will stay. Maybe someday I'll open my eyes from sleep, not feeling tears in them and not remembering only those three words: "Gomen na, Rangiku"?...

_And I know that the sun will shine again __  
__Though I may think of you now and then... _

Life will keep flowing without you. Is this what you wanted, when you were leaving me? To learn at last to depend only on myself? When you are no longer here, only this will be left for me. And maybe someday, when everybody forgets about you, when all my injuries are healed, when I start to live again, then maybe I will wake up, surrounded by those three words: "Gomen na, Rangiku"?...

_Can't do a thing with ashes __  
__But throw them to the wind... _

Despite that I'm still seeing life in your eyes, despite that I'm still feeling the warmth of your body, despite this I know, that you're just now disappearing from my world again. That you'll stay only in memories. That now even your own will can't hold you by me. Do you know that there is a part of my memory about you that I don't want to remember? Especially the sound of your voice, when you were saying: "Gomen na, Rangiku".

_Though this heart may be in pieces now __  
__You know I'll build it up again and __  
__I'll come back stronger than I ever did before __  
__Just don't turn around when you walk out that door... _

I was always crying, when you were leaving. I was always repeating that next time I won't despair, that I've already got used to it. But it was useless, I still couldn't stop tears. My decisions weren't worth much, were they? Now I know that you will never return. I'm telling myself again, that I finally got used to it, that I won't be waiting for the sight of your inseparable smile. It won't help... Maybe this time I will really break off living for you... because of you? Just, please, don't let your farewell to me this last time be with those words: "Gomen na, Rangiku"...

_That's OK __  
__I'll be fine __  
__I've got myself, I'll heal in time...but when you leave just remember what we had... __  
__There's more to life than just you __  
__I may cry but I'll make it through _

I will make it through. I don't have any other choice. This recent time gave me a lesson on how to live without you. At last, living in two different worlds isn't the same as being in different districts of one world, right? Recently I haven't even been able to feel your presence. Will it be different now? After all, I won't ever forget your face, your eyes. Those memories, inconsiderable of time, will always be painful. There are people who are waiting for my return. Interesting change of roles, isn't it? Is that why you have always returned, because in spite of everything, someone was always waiting? In that case, why did you always repeat: "Gomen na, Rangiku"?

_And even though our stories at the end __  
__I still may think of you now and then... _

You know as well as I do, that this time you won't return. I see it in your eyes. But you will always, always be in my heart. Even if one day I find there a place for someone else, I won't forget to say: "Gomen ne, Gin".


End file.
